I'm so quick to say i'm fine but, I know i'm not at all. I wish I wasn't so scared to talk and open up. I try to meditate at night to ease my mind because, it turns to 3 am so fast that I don't mean to stay up late. I want to be better for me but, I feel like I won't ever become that person with this cloud over me. I try to be a better person but, I always get overruled by my mind and turn angry against the world or emotional. Sometimes I just want to talk to myself and not say anything to anybody because, I don't want them to know how bad I want to escape my mind and disappear from this earth. I don't want friends or a relationship but, someone to listen. Yes, I smile and laugh with family or when somebody is talking to me casually because, I don't want to show that i'm so sad about so much. Yes, he made me love me and my body and that's why I hold on to the thought of him. I don't feel pretty and I continue to hate my body once again. I won't write about him because, I've done that enough. The last time I was happy was with a boy. I haven't had any good sleep for months now. I don't want to self harm or kill myself but, taking pills sounds like a good night of sleep for once. me keeping all of my emotions in with everything that's going on in my head. I know i'm a disappointment, i've been told. From the psoriasis to the bullying in middle school (read 180), to me getting kicked out of madison and then getting a horrible score on the ACT and now dropping out of college. but everything is coming back so slowly but surely. I never knew I was really depressed just down from certain things. somehow like that black shadow back in middle school in my read 180 class. This dark cloud keeps following me around. I feel hopeless, guilty, afraid, like a failure, dumb and most of all sad. I don't know why I keep thinking about dying and not caring deep inside if something happened to me. I tried so hard to fight those thoughts and focus on the test but, I just couldn't. I remember taking this reading test to get in-state tuition for college because, I was too stupid to get a high enough score on the ACT and the only thing I could think of was ways something bad could go wrong right in that moment for example: school shooting, earthquake, or someone just coming in and stabbing me or something. I always think the worse of everything and it's always ending with me getting hurt really bad in some way. I feel like the world would be better off without me. and the worse one of them all at night, when my thoughts take control. during the day laughing with family or doing something enjoyable. Everyday I feel like this sometimes in the morning waking up with this sadness on my mind.
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